


If Only

by bangtantan



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Break Up, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 23:01:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11091729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bangtantan/pseuds/bangtantan
Summary: When my lips quietly call out that nameWhen my heart sinks as I’m saying itI start to think, if only I read your eyes at that last momentWouldn’t we have not broken up?





	If Only

Jinho had the day of his first audition planned perfectly. He had weeks before it happened, but now that the day was finally here, he couldn’t help but feel nervous.

As a person who has had performance anxiety for almost as long as he remembers, Jinho is scared of anything that isn’t in his plans when it comes to standing on stage. Any strange sounds, any distractions  are really not his favorite things when he stands up there, aware of the fact that he’s being watched and judged by dozens of people.

Of course, he learned to fight with it to some extent. He learned little tricks such as closing his eyes when music starts playing, concentrating on the way it flows in the room instead of the whispers of the audience, and just trusting his voice instead of being scared that it will crack.

But mistakes and voice cracking still happens to him all the time, and everytime they’re more and more embarrassing.

So no surprise that he was so anxious about this day in particular. Today was the day of first audition he dared to register himself for in years, and it was his chance to finally become a trainee. It’s been so long since he last tried, and the fear of failure was keeping him from trying again. But Hwitaek, his best friend, spent four days trying to convince him to register for an audition in the company he himself was training at, and in the end, Jinho gave in. He registered.

And he might be regretting it a little at the moment.

A soft knock on the door of his room cut his thoughts short.

“Did you have breakfast yet, hyung?” Hwitaek asked gently as he opened the door, voice and eyes soft and considerate as always. “We still have time to stop at Starbucks on the way and get you something to snack on.”

Jinho, who was sat on his bed with a towel on his head, turned and smiled at him soullessly.

“Thanks, Hwitaek ah, but I’m not hungry,” he looks down at his flat stomach. ”I don’t think I’d be able to swallow any food even if I tried, to be honest.”

“It would help you get your mind off the fear,” Hwitaek says, looking at him worriedly.  “You’ve lost a lot of weight because of stress as it is, you know.”

Jinho looks away from Hwitaek’s concerned expression and  chooses to look at his hands instead. True, his fingers were even thinner than usual, and his wrists seemed like they might break from as much as a gust of wind. Looking at the way his bones were protruding through his skin, Jinho kind of felt guilty against his own body for pushing it this far.

“We can go eat after the audition ends,” he proposes. “When there won’t be a threat I’ll accidently vomit on the judges.”

He feels guilty at the way Hwitaek’s eyes brighten up at the suggestion. He really has been rejecting his friend’s invites to eat out with him too much.

 “Okay, hyung,” his best friend says with a smile and leaves the room, letting Jinho finish drying his hair and put on some clothes in private.

When he finishes combing his chestnut brown hair and accentuates his eyes with a bit of brown eyeliner, Jinho deems himself ready and takes a deep breath. He looks at the mirror, biting his lip at how small his stature is, and how stupid he looks in this suit when he’s such a small person– he looks like a kid, who’s dressed in his dad’s clothes. He knows he could wear something more casual and it would be fine, but he’s so anxious about the whole thing that he prefers to just wear something that’s neat and represents him as a respectful and simple person. If he wears his usual loose hoodies and skinny jeans, he fears all his thoughts will only be on the question if wearing that is okay.

Hwitaek wore jeans and loose t-shirt for his audition, but Hwitaek is also way more confident  and laidback than Jinho will ever be.

“Hyung, it’s time!” he hears Hwitaek yell from the kitchen, throws the last look at his reflection and sighs.

He can do this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hyung!” Hwitaek pulls him into a hug after Jinho gets out of the judging room, all pale and shaking. “How was it?”

Jinho breathes in, still shaking. “Scary. It was scary.”

It _was_ scary. Standing there, having all those eyes on him, watching him shake and be nervous without saying anything to make him feel better…  Those were some of the hardest minutes in Jinho’s entire life, if he was to be honest.

But he did it. He sang for them. And his voice did not crack.

“But it’s over,” he sighs as he holds onto Hwitaek, who immediately understands him and nods, hugging his shoulders.

“If you performed half as well as you do usually, I’m sure you’ll get in,” he says encouragingly, pulling Jinho over to the benches and sitting him down. “Your voice is one of a kind, hyung, and all you lack is a bit of confidence to be the best singer ever.”

Jinho manages to smile at him weakly, breathing in and out to relax his tense muscles.

Hwitaek manages to convince him to go for lunch now, as the results would be clear only in a couple of hours after all the contestants finish performing.  Jinho lets himself be dragged into a restaurant of some sort and being force-fed with insane amounts of fried rice. After that, Hui pushes him into a bakery and insists on buying him strawberry cake and latte. Knowing that fighting it is useless, Jinho lets him with a sigh. But he has to admit, the strawberry cake is amazing and once he takes a bite, he cannot stop eating.

After lunch they make their way back to Cube, not expecting the results to be out yet, but willing to wait for them there. But when they step inside the building, they’re greeted with the chaos of people both laughing and crying, and it becomes clear that they won’t need to wait after all.

“I got in!” One girl told them with happy tears in her eyes, and Jinho smiles at her.

“Congratulations,” he says nicely, feeling his own heart starting to beat faster.

 “Go, hyung,” Hwitaek pushes him forward. “Go look at the list.”

Jinho takes a step forward, but his steps are unsteady. His hands are already shaking. Hwitaek sighs and holds onto his elbow as he leads him to the sheet of paper posted on the wall.

Jinho tries to find his name, but the letters blur in his eyes and he can’t find it. The dreadful thought that _it’s not there_ fills his head.

“Hyung!” Hwitaek all of a sudden grabs his hand. “Look!”

He points at the middle of the list and it’s…there. Jo Jinho, printed in black letters.

He passed.

He turns around to look at Hwitaek with wide eyes, and Hwitaek looks at him with a bright smile on his face. Jinho just pulls him into a hug wordlessly, still unable to believe. _He passed._

“We’re going out today!” Hwitaek exclaims into his ear. “Oh my god, hyung!”

It takes them a while to calm down, and before he knows it, Jinho is being convinced of going to a club that night to celebrate. Usually he would’ve said no, because he’s not a fan of places with loud music and clubs in general makes him feel very out of place, but after all the joy of finally passing the audition Jinho feels so light inside that he just nods with a smile. That leaves a happy Hwitaek, already making calls to his other trainee friends to invite them together.

They get dinner after that and the whole time Jinho is smiling and laughing with Hwitaek about everything and anything. He knows that becoming a trainee does not solve all of his problems, nor it gives him certainty about his future, but it is a small victory, it’s a step forward. At the age of 23, it was the right time for him to finally have at least that.

Later that night, they drop by Jinho’s apartment where he quickly slips out of the uncomfortable suit and dresses in black skinnies, loose white shirt that is unbuttoned at the top, showing off his collarbones, and a black leather jacket on top. He fixes the eyeliner, making it more noticeable and adding some golden eyeshadow around it to make his eyes look more alluring. Even if he doesn’t go to clubs often, he knows how to make himself look like he does. And since tonight he feels like he can take on the world, Jinho wants to _look_ like he can, too.

And he does. Hwitaek’s and his friends’ eyes pop out of their sockets when they see him.

“Let loose tonight, hyung,” one of the guys, introduced to him as Shinwon, says with a grin. “We only have this freedom till we put a signature on the debut contract.”

Hwitaek frowns at him. “What even are you talking about, Shinwon?”

The handsome guy grins as Jinho squeezes in to sit beside him in the car.

“I’m suggesting we enjoy it.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It has just been a couple of hours, but Jinho’s had around three drinks, he’s been hit on by five guys, and he’s danced with three of them. He didn’t stay around to get to know them better because they clearly aren’t his type – all three are handsome fuckboys, who just wanted to find someone for the night. Dancing and flirting a little bit was okay, but anything past that goes beyond the limits Jinho set for himself tonight.

He lost all of his friends in the crowd already, but he wasn’t too worried about that, partly because he was already a bit tipsy and also because he knew they wouldn’t leave the place without him. If they needed to, they would find him first. Stumbling a bit, Jinho sits down at the bar, cursing his height for being too short for bar stools, and tries to hide the fact that he cannot reach the floor with his feet. He’s in the middle of trying to find the best position when somebody taps him on the shoulder, and he turns around, surprised.

It’s a blonde guy, really handsome, and Jinho automatically smiles back when he sees him do the same.

“Hey, gorgeous,” the guy says in a low, alluring tone. “Are you by yourself here?”

Jinho leans back a little, putting some distance in between them and smiles playfully.

“Maybe I am, or maybe I’m not. It depends on what you want.”

The blond guy chuckles, taking the seat next to Jinho’s and moving a bit closer.

“Just to buy you a drink, if that’s okay,” he flirts.

“Is there a price I’ll need to pay for the drink later?” Jinho asked, shushing the voice inside of his head that was screaming at him to shut the fuck up.

The guy laughs and throws his arm around Jinho’s shoulders.

“This one will just be a ‘nice to meet you’. But for another one, you might owe me a date.”

Jinho cocks his head to the side playfully. “And what if I only take the first one?”

“I’ll be sad, but…” the blond leans in closer and whispers. “I’m certain you won’t, gorgeous.”

Jinho smiles, acknowledging the blond’s swift reply. He seems to be funny and nice. It wouldn’t hurt to get to know him a little bit, right?

Right, Jinho decides.

“Convince me,” he says, and the blond guy smiles at him.

It’s a flirty, predator-like smile, and Jinho should feel threatened by it, but he doesn’t. Be it alcohol, or the happiness of getting past the audition, but he feels light and carefree. Like nothing bad can happen tonight.

It might be stupid of him, but he doesn’t care.

The guy’s name is Ilhoon, he learns. He’s two years younger than Jinho, but he doesn’t believe it when Jinho tells him that. He’s very stubborn on not calling him hyung, and Jinho, who keeps drinking more and more, just laughs it off. Ilhoon is funny and laidback, he doesn’t make lewd comments, although his touches start to grow a little bolder as time goes by, and especially as Jinho consumes more drinks. At first, he has his hand on Jinho’s thigh, then he starts holding his hand and brushing his hair from his eyes. At some point he just caresses Jinho’s cheek, looking as though he really wants to kiss him, but Jinho turns away and takes a sip of his drink. He’s okay with flirting, yes, but he’s not too comfortable with the thought of kissing a guy he barely knows in a club he’s visited for the first time. Kisses were always something special for Jinho, and to be honest, he had only given them to one person in his entire life.

Before his thoughts went in a sad direction, Jinho took another gulp from the soju bottle in front. It makes his whole body shiver, and he suddenly feels very drunk.

“Do you want to dance?” Ilhoon asks, seemingly a bit hurt by Jinho’s rejection earlier, but not giving up. 

Jinho shrugs his shoulders. “Sure.”

Ilhoon gets off the chair and holds his hand out for Jinho to take. The shorter male smiles, taking his hand, and gets off of his chair a little bit dizzily. He stumbles into Ilhoon’s arms, and the fact that the guy was so much taller than him sent a sparkle of annoyance down to his stomach. He will never be taller than any of the guys he dates, huh.

They both stumble into the dance floor, giggling at their own drunkenness and trying not to get separated by guys and girls dancing all around them. It’s really crowded and Jinho instantly gets pushed and jostled around as he tries to pass. Ilhoon grabs him by the waist wordlessly and pulls him close, shielding him, and Jinho holds onto his arms to keep his balance.

They start dancing, Ilhoon’s arms all around him, and Jinho’s back pressed against his chest. They dance to some crazy beat that Jinho doesn’t even remember hearing before, but the alcohol makes him brave, and he dances to just have fun. He smiles as he dances, almost forgetting that Ilhoon is behind him, and simply enjoying the dance.

The beat rings in his ears and fills his chest. He smells alcohol and smoke, and it’s not the nicest smell, but he’s too drunk to complain. He just laughs at the thought and he sees some other guy throw looks at him, and drunkenly smiles at him, too. Ilhoon wraps an arm around his waist and Jinho almost laughs again at his possessiveness, at the crazy situation.

All of a sudden, he’s yanked out of Ilhoon’s arms, and pulled into someone else’s before he even realizes that he was moved. Drunk and disoriented, he stumbles into the yanker’s chest, and holds onto his torso in order not to fall. He looks up to scold the stranger, when their eyes meet and Jinho freezes.

His breath gets stuck in his throat.

 “What the fuck, dude?” Ilhoon growls behind Jinho’s back.

Hongseok stands there, tall, way taller than Ilhoon and hovering above Jinho. It’s obvious that he’s furious, dark brown eyes looming over them both, but more over Ilhoon.

“Stay away from him,” Jinho’s ex-boyfriend spits, holding the stunned smaller male’s shoulders, and does not let him move even an inch.

Jinho just gapes at the taller, not knowing what is his ex-boyfriend doing here, nor why he’s so angry at them. Before he knows it, Hongseok is dragging him away from Ilhoon, who yells something, but they can’t hear it because of all the noise. Hongseok ignores his yells either way, and continues to pull disoriented Jinho along until they exit the club and Jinho feels cold air hit his face. He shivers.

Hongseok turns around and looks at him, brown eyes glaring at him with so much anger.

“What are you doing in a place like this _alone?_ Why do you let that guy touch you? How much did you drink? You can’t even stand!” he attacks him.

Jinho stands there, looking at him with wide eyes. He hasn’t seen Hongseok for almost two years, not even a single message or call came from the guy standing before him, so passionately yelling at him at the moment.

“I don’t see how any of this is your business,” he hisses back. “There’s nothing between us anymore and I don’t see how me drinking in a club and dancing with other guys has anything to do with you, Hongseok.”

“Of course you wouldn’t,” Hongseok takes a step closer, grabbing onto his forearm. “I’m taking you home.”

Jinho struggles to pull his arms away from Hongseok’s grip, but to no avail. Damn those muscles  and strength the tall asshole has.

 “Let me go,” he growls, but Hongseok pulls at his wrist and Jinho falls into his sturdy chest again. Jinho flushes instantly and pulls away.

Rolling his eyes, Hongseok grabs his hand and locks it in an iron grip. He then proceeds to walk, dragging a very  dissatisfied Jinho along.

“Is that what you’ve been doing all this time?” he growls as they walk. “Getting drunk in random clubs with strangers?”

Jinho tries to pull his hand out of his grip, hating the fact that he’s so small and powerless, and has no freedom in the situation whatsoever. Fuck, Hwitaek’s going to be so worried, and he can’t even tell his best friend where he is because his crazy ex is dragging him somewhere and he has no way to fight back.

“I thought you were better than this,” Hongseok says under his breath, and Jinho scoffs.

“You know what - fuck you, Hongseok,” He pulls at his hand with all the strength he can muster, but it only makes Hongseok stop and look back at him for a second. “We broke up two years ago and you haven’t talked to me since. Not once.  You walked out on me and left without even a proper fucking goodbye, so why the hell are you all of a sudden appearing in my life again and acting like you have some rights to say shit to me?”

He ends up yelling the last words. He breathes in after he’s finished, and then glares at his ex-boyfriend with all the anger he can muster in that one look.

Hongseok is looking at him, too, lips parted, but any hints of anger are gone from his features. He looks at him with his brown eyes, and Jinho almost, _almost_ feels guilty for lashing out like that. But he knows that he’s the right one here, he has no doubts. Hongseok doesn’t have the right to say things like that to him, not anymore.

Not after that night.

“I’ll take you home,” Hongseok repeats quietly, without emotions, and pulls at his hand again.

Jinho, whose head is spinning, and who feels like he’s suffocated, just complies, because he’s tired and drunk, and he doesn’t want to fight with Hongseok anymore. There’s no point in that anyway. So he walks, ignoring the fact that Hongseok is still holding his hand, letting him hold it because he’s not going to see him ever again after this either way.

Hongseok takes him to the subway without any words.

“Do you still live at the same place?” he asks quietly as they walk down the stairs, and Jinho just nods.

They wait for the train in silence after that. Bothered by that, Jinho steals a look at his ex-boyfriend.

He’s still tall, lean and muscular as he remembers him. He’s wearing a long, black coat on top of black shirt and grey skinny jeans, and although Jinho doesn’t like to admit it, Hongseok looks really good. He smells really good too. It’s a warm, familiar scent that reminds Jinho of the times when it was all over his clothes, too, driving him crazy.

“The train is here,” Hongseok murmurs as Jinho flinches at the thought. The train door opens, and the taller pulls Jinho inside.

Surprisingly, there are a lot of people inside, most probably because it’s the last trains going from one of the most popular stations to the area of many apartment houses. Jinho ends up standing with his back turned at some guy with a lot of piercings, and Hongseok is standing in front of him, both facing each other. There’s not much space around, but Hongseok tries his best to keep a distance of at least a feet between them. It’s undeniably awkward.

 Jinho stares at the buttons of his shirt, peeking through the coat, and his head is still very dizzy. He cannot reach any of the straps above his head to hold onto, and there are people all around him, so he tries very hard to keep his balance with only the help of his leg muscles. Which is tiring.

All of a sudden, he feels something touch the lower part of his waist. Confused, he brushes it off as an accident. But a second later, the touch returns, and it goes lower. Jinho freaks out.

The guy behind him is shamelessly groping him, and he doesn’t know what to do.

So he does the only thing that he can think of at the moment. He steps forward and wraps his arms around Hongseok’s torso, hiding in the safety of the taller male’s space.

Hongseok looks down at him, startled, and then looks at the guy behind the smaller who pretends like he knows nothing.

“Are you okay?” he asks Jinho, who doesn’t respond and just clings onto him. He’s dying of shame, but Hongseok doesn’t need to know that.

Hongseok doesn’t know what happened, but he has an idea from the way Jinho is acting. He straightens his shoulders and shows off his height, looking at the guy behind Jinho with the clear promise of killing him if he tries to do anything to Jinho again. He feels Jinho shake against him, and in the effort of making him feel better, he lets go of the strap he was holding onto to lean in and wrap Jinho snuggly in his coat. He zips the coat behind Jinho’s back, happy that it’s loose enough to fit both of them. His heart flutters at the feeling of protecting Jinho again, holding him close.

Feeling Jinho hold him like this after two years feels like a dream.

For Jinho, it’s a nightmare. He doesn’t want to be close to Hongseok, but he much rather will do that, than let himself be groped around by creepers in the subway. Hongseok’s scent is warm and familiar, and although Jinho doesn’t want to admit it, it calms him down. He feels safe. Hongseok’s body is muscular and big compared to his own tiny frame, and Jinho once again is reminded of the words Hongseok used to say all the time-  our bodies fit like pieces of puzzle.

Although Jinho doesn’t want to admit it now, it’s true. He fits into Hongseok’s arms perfectly, as if he was made to be held and snuggled against him, and the mere thought of that breaks Jinho’s heart. At some point he did think they were made for each other, made to love each other forever, but then everything broke to pieces. He loved Hongseok so much that losing him felt like the end of the world.

He looks up at the taller with his hooded eyes, not knowing what he was hoping to see. Hongseok’s sharp jawline was right above his head, he could see his sparkly eyes and full lips. His skin was still as tanned and sexily bronze as ever. Yes, there’s no escape from admitting this - Hongseok still is the most beautiful guy Jinho had ever seen.

Jinho sighs against the muscular chest.

“You bastard,” he whispers.

Hongseok doesn’t hear him, his whisper muffled by the fabric of his shirt and drowned out by other people’s conversations and the screech of the train. Jinho bits his lip to stop himself from crying, suddenly overwhelmed by emotions that squeeze his heart, and hides his face from Hongseok’s eyes. The train halts to a stop, and it’s their stop. Hongseok nudges him to let go, and Jinho pulls back instantly as if he was burned.

He needs to awkwardly wait for Hongseok to lean over him and unzip the coat behind his back. Hongseok’s chest presses up against his own, his neck rests on Jinho’s bony shoulder, and the smaller instantly flushes. A couple of excruciatingly awkward moments later, he’s released from Hongseok’s hold and steps back. The door opens and Jinho trips over his feet, trying to get out of the train as fast as possible.

Hongseok catches his arm and stops him from falling again. Jinho curses under his breath.

“You can go home now,” he tells Hongseok, who’s still stubbornly standing beside him. “I’m two steps away from home at this point.”

“I’ll only go when I make sure you’re home safe,” Hongseok replies sternly and Jinho scoffs.

“As if you care. Maybe I don’t want my boyfriend to see you.”

Hongseok’s face darkens.

“Maybe your boyfriend should have accompanied you to the club then. The guy there was planning to do way more than just taking you home.”

Jinho laughs sarcastically. “And maybe I would’ve let him, if you didn’t meddle in between. _Thanks._ ”

Hongseok takes a deep breath, seemingly done with him, and grabs Jinho’s arm again, pulling him towards the exit.  Jinho hates how his skin heats up at the touch, how his heart beats faster and how a whiff of Hongseok’s cologne is still enough to make his knees give out. Unwillingly, he starts to get flashbacks of the two of them in bed, Hongseok’s muscular arms on both sides of his head, his muscular chest heaving up and down as he kisses him. He leans in to kiss Jinho, and despite the passion and lust hanging in the air between them, the kiss is soft and nothing but loving. When he pulls away, Hongseok looks at Jinho as if he’s the most precious thing on this Earth. He says he never wants to let him go.

They’re walking out of the station now, and Jinho’s eyes fill up with tears. He tries to will them away, looking up at the starry sky, but it doesn’t work. A tear rolls down his cheek, and Jinho chokes out a sob he tried to hold in so desperately.

Hongseok stops instantly and looks at him.

“Jinho…” he says, his eyes wide and startled, fixed on the tears falling down the smaller male’s cheek.

“I really hate you, Hongseok, you know that?” Jinho chokes out, looking at the ground instead of his ex-boyfriend. “I was doing well. I was trying so hard to do well.. _._ ”

Jinho looks at his hands - they’re shivering. He clenches them into tiny fists.

“I was trying, too,” Hongseok tells him with a low voice. “I’m hurting too, you know.”

“You were the one who did this to me.”

“You said things that hurt that night, too.”

“I only said that because of what you fucking said. You knew that my first instinct would be to hurt you back.”

Hongseok looks into his eyes. “Your first instinct would be hurting the person you love?”

“Loved,” Jinho whispers. “And after you said that, loving or being loved by you didn’t seem so real anymore. It all looked like one big mistake.”

Hongseok stares at him for the longest time, saying nothing, _doing_ nothing. His eyes are unreadable. Sniffling, Jinho hugs himself, feeling the cold seeping through the fabric of his clothes.

“I’m going home,” he gathers the courage to say, and then quickly steps past Hongseok, avoiding his eyes. He doesn’t look back to see if the taller is following him, he just wants to get away. When he finally walks into the apartment building and closes the door behind himself, he sees Hongseok stare at the door through the window, frozen where he’d left him. Jinho swallows the heavy lump in his throat and makes his way up the stairs, not looking back.

He doesn’t even make it to the shower. He falls onto the couch and falls asleep there, smooth voice still sounding in his head and those brown eyes still watching him as he drifts away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next morning Hwitaek wakes him up with a glass of water and two pills of ibuprofen already prepared.

“Figured you would need that,” he says with a small smile, but his eyes lack the usual sparkle, and Jinho instantly knows what’s up.

“Shit,” he curses, sitting up. “I’m sorry, Hwitaek. Something happened, and I… I forgot to call you and tell you I went home.”

“Shinwon told me he saw you leave with some hot guy,” Hwitaek smiles, and his smile seems tired but genuine. “He told me not to bother you, but next time I still would appreciate a message saying that you’re okay.”

Jinho sighs. “That was my ex-boyfriend. He appeared out of nowhere and dragged me out of the club without letting me say anything. Then he brought me home and left.”

Hwitaek frowns. “Your ex-boyfriend? You’ve never told me about him before.”

“There’s nothing to tell,” Jinho stands up, Hwitaek’s hands coming to support him. “He just broke my heart.”

Hwitaek seems to have a lot of questions, but as the best friend he is, he knew that now is not the time to ask. So he keeps them in and smiles at Jinho instead.

“Anyways, we need to get breakfast and then pack your things. You also need to move into the dorms today.”

Honestly, Jinho feels a bit dizzy at how fast everything is happening. Hwitaek tells him not to get overwhelmed and that he’s going to help him. Jinho agrees.

He wants to get the moving over with as quick as possible, because saying goodbye to his apartment and private space is probably the hardest thing that he has ever had to do. Jinho’s aware he’s going to live with a roommate from now on, another person always with him in the room, and there probably won’t be many moments when he can be by himself. It scares him a little bit, but at least he’s got Hwitaek living in the same dorm. If it gets too much, he can always rely on his friend to make things better.

In a couple of hours, all of Jinho’s stuff is in boxes and they are stuffed into the back of Hwitaek’s car. Hwitaek huffs as he puts the last box on Jinho’s lap, who is already sat at the car, looking a bit anxious.

“Off we go,” Hwitaek says as he turns on the engine and then they’re driving away. Jinho throws one last sad look at the entrance of his home, trying not to think about the fact that he probably will never come back here again. He wants to think that it’s because this apartment has been his home for years he is sad, but deep down, he knows that the reason is different. The image of Hongseok standing there, brown eyes looking at Jinho as he walks away, appears in his mind. He realizes that his ex- boyfriend didn’t know then that even if he ever wanted to find Jinho again, he wouldn’t be able to. That apartment was the last link between them, and now it was gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_When my lips quietly call out that name  
When my heart sinks as I’m saying it_

_I start to think, if only I read your eyes at that last moment_

_Wouldn’t we have not broken up?_

 

Hongseok brushes his dark brown hair out of his eyes as he put his pencil down and reads the lyrics again. He reaches out for the bottle of water absentmindedly, wanting to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, and swallows a few gulps before picking up the pencil again. The feeling stays. Hongseok knows it has nothing to do with his digestion.

“You’re still here?” he hears someone ask behind his back, and turns around, seeing one of the manager hyungs, Seungho, looking at him worriedly.

The elder male is peeking at him through half-open door, as if he’s not sure if he should come in.

“I’ll go home soon,” Hongseok promises him with a tired smile. He knows it’s a lie- he probably won’t move for at least an hour or two from now.

But Seungho doesn’t need to know that.

“Are you working on your lyrics again?” he asks, taking a step forward and resting his hand on Hongseok’s shoulder. “Can I look?”

Although a bit shy, Hongseok leans back on his chair, letting Seungho look at the words he wrote. “I know they’re not perfect… I still need to work on the chorus and all that.”

“Hongseok ah,” Seungho breathes in. “Are you doing okay?”

Hongseok looks up at him. “Why? Are you like this because the lyrics are sad?”

“They’re not just sad, Hongseok,” the elder looks hesitant to say it. “They’re words of someone who has a lot of serious regrets, and clearly misses someone a lot. And that worries me. I know that you don’t have many friends, Hongseok ah, and I also know that you’re lonely.”

Hongseok shakes his head and pats his hyung’s shoulder. “Hyung. I’ll be fine. I _am_ fine.”

Seungho looks at him for a moment, and then sighs. He stands up, turning around to leave.

“Don’t stay here for too long,” he warns before opening the door and then pauses. “Hongseok?”

“Mm?”

“I think you should talk to him,” he says quietly. “If that’s how you feel, you shouldn’t keep it in. It will destroy you, and you do not deserve that. Regardless of what it was that you did.”

Hongseok keeps quiet.

The manager hyung sighs again. “Goodnight then, kid.”

He walks out, quietly closing the door behind his back. Hongseok leans his head forward and rests his forehead on the table. He closes his eyes, and lets the words he wrote sound in his head.

 

 

_I didn’t know what love was even when it was right next to me  
I thought it was just like breathing_

_If only I hugged you, if only I didn’t leave you alone  
Would it have been different?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jinho is done unpacking most of his stuff. It didn’t take as long as he thought it would, and he’s happy- now the new room looks cozier, more like home. He didn’t touch any of his new roommate’s things, being very careful when opening the drawers and the closet. Jinho still hadn’t met him - the guy was not there the whole day and was still gone even though it was already past midnight. Jinho was sleepily fixing his covers as he waited for him to appear, thinking that it would be rude to just go to sleep.

He sits on the top bunk bed that is his now, swinging his short legs to the sides as he listens to some piano piece. From time to time, he hums a soft melody and closes his eyes, enjoying the music.

Jinho’s singing _When I was your man_ quietly when the door finally opens, and he grabs his phone to stop the song.

“I’m sorry,” he quickly says, flushing as he tries to pause the song. “I like to sing when I’m alone.”

The song finally stops playing, and Jinho sighs in relief. He raises his eyes to greet the stranger.

“I know,” Hongseok says as he steps into the room, and closes the door behind his back.

 

**Author's Note:**

> My first Pentagon fanfic <3


End file.
